you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Randomize
