Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
