I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
