im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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