I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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