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What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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