the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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