I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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