Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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