Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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