The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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