but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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