Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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