The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
