There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
