Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize