dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
