I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
handjob tips. give me some.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
