I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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