she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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