I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
