She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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