I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
