You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
