Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
