it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
