I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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