Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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