Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
