Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
