Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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