I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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