my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
