Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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