The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
