i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
