You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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