you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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