Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
