there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
