If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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