3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
