I met the friendliest cop last night
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
