It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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