why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
