I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize