So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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