maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize