my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
