New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
