Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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