maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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