he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
