I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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