It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
