I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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