she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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